This week I will be sharing a three part series on relationships to help you learn to recognize toxic relationships and begin to cultivate healthier ones:
1. Warning Signs of Toxic Relationships
2. Establishing Healthy Boundaries
3. Cultivating Kingdom Relationships
I cannot count the number of people I have counseled over the past decade who experienced immeasurable suffering because of toxic relationships. The truth is, toxic relationships destroy destinies. Period.
I could share story after story. One of the most common situations I’ve encountered involved a young adult who was on fire for God. They had taken the biggest risk in their life to pursue God and were growing in leaps and bounds. They entered into a friendship with someone that ultimately derailed everything the Lord was trying to do in both their lives. Had this person recognized early on that the relationship was toxic (and set healthy boundaries), so much hurt and pain could have been avoided.
As I reflect on my own life, I also have many personal examples of the impact of toxic relationships. For me, while I have learned to set healthier boundaries and be more intentional with family and friends, I still tend to have a blind spot when it comes to people I am discipling. I focus so much on who God has created them to become, that I sometimes allow toxic behavior to continue longer than I should. I have a hard time letting go, because I keep believing they will grow & mature. If I have learned anything over the past five years, it is that not everyone is willing to acknowledge their faults and allow God to transform them. While God is able to, they have to be willing. And I need to trust God to work in their life without interfering or rescuing them.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is let go. This is hard for me because I hate to see people suffering and struggling needlessly. However, oftentimes it is only then that they will truly turn to the Lord and allow Him to work in their lives.
Beware of Toxic Relationships
We’ve all been there: engaged in a relationship with someone that turns toxic (poisonous, dangerous, harmful), whether it is with friends, family, or intimate relationships. But, how can you avoid toxic relationships, and why is it so important to fulfilling your calling?
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” -1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV
…A little leaven leavens the whole lump -1 Corinthians 5:6
As Christians who love people, we often think we can “save” them through relationship. We believe if we spend enough time with them, we will positively influence them. Unfortunately, more often than not, the toxic person ends up being the one with influence.
Imagine standing on top of a ladder and trying to pull up someone who is on the ground lying on their back. The person on their back will always end up pulling the other person down. The only way for the person on the ground to get to the top of the ladder is if they pull themselves up, with the help of God and the other person.
You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. This is a hard lesson I have learned far too often. I am still working on knowing when to let go and let God! If you recognize early on that the relationship is toxic, you will be better able to set healthy boundaries and know when to let go. So, how do you know?
3 Warning Signs of Toxic Relationships
1. Compromise
- The relationship causes you to compromise who you are and what you believe
- If someone does not respect and honor your boundaries (whether they relate to physical intimacy, time invested, the way you choose to raise your children, the activities you want to engage in, etc.) the relationship can become toxic.
- You make yourself “less than” because the other person is insecure and causes you to feel bad about the blessings in your life.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. -1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV
2. Manipulation
- The person uses guilt or anger to manipulate you
- If they don’t like when you try to set a boundary, they respond with strong emotions in order to get their own way
- They attempt to influence your decisions or opinions of others and cause you to doubt yourself
- They sow seeds of discord
This is probably one of the most common tools people use to try to get their way when they feel powerless in a relationship. It is so destructive because it leads to disobeying God for fear of upsetting man. (Galatians 1:10) I’ve seen husbands give in to manipulation from their wives because they don’t like upsetting them; I’ve seen friends compromise for fear of losing friendships; I’ve seen pastors compromise for fear of losing members of their congregation. This is absolutely toxic and there is no room for love in a relationship with manipulation!
Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7 TPT
When you learn to recognize manipulation and guard yourself against it, you will develop far healthier relationships and you will thrive. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated out of your calling!
3. Separation
- The relationship separates you from God or healthy relationships in your life
- Anything or anyone who consumes your focus becomes an idol
- Don’t allow the fear of man to separate you from God
Little children (believers, dear ones), guard yourselves from idols – [false teachings, moral compromises, and anything that would take God’s place in your heart]. -1John 5:21 AMP
Any relationship that is more valuable to you than your relationship with God has become toxic and needs to be addressed!
So, which of these three areas do you need to be more aware of? Did any relationships stand out as you were reading the warning signs? If so, take time to pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance for how to address the relationships. In my next post, I will also share ways to help you establish healthy boundaries.
I’d love to hear if you have any other warning signs you would add to my list or anything God has stirred in you from this post! Also, please be sure to share this blog with others who would be encouraged by it!
Blessings,
Katie
